Chemotherapy Update – 6-12-09

I want to thank all of those people that have stepped up and helped us thus far through the treatment. I want to thank everyone individually, but I’m afraid I may leave someone out. So, somewhat generically, a BIG, THANK YOU:

• To all of our family that has come out, or who is scheduled to come out, and all of the work they’ve done…be it cooking, cleaning, yard work, fixing broken things, watching Grayson, or transporting me to and from appointments/treatments.
  
• To all of the friends and family that have provided transportation to and from appointments/treatments.
  
• To the many people at work who quickly filled up my shared leave “pot” and the many others who tried to donate and could not because the hopper was already full. The feeling of gratitude and the strong emotions go along with the enormous sense of relief of being able to focus on my health and my family and not having to worry about getting to work when I should not be working.
  
• To those friends and family that have brought us meals to help during the stressful weeks of chemo. This helps Jessica tremendously as she is taking care of a house and 3 people much of the time.
  
• To the family that has provided financial support to help with the mounting medical bills. A very, unexpected, overwhelming gift that is greatly appreciated.
  
• To the family and friends who have helped with Grayson as we appointment hop. This also helps Jessica feel somewhat normal, and allows her to have time to de-stress.
  
• To the friends and family who have helped with the yard work…not fun stuff considering the degree to which we are behind because of this chemo mess, and considering that I’m useless when it comes to that stuff most of the time now.
  
• To all of those who have sent flowers, cards, well-wishes, and/or gifts.
  
• To all of those who have prayed, meditated, sent well wishes, thought positively, or sent good JuJu my way. Along with all of those who have asked about my well being and listened to me ramble in response.
  
• To our counselors who have always offered wonderful support, insight, guidance, and tools to help us along the path of becoming better individuals, and who have helped us work (and continue to do so) through a difficult time in our lives.
  
• To Jessica…she is in a quite difficult spot…lonely contending with the workload that taxes the two of us when healthy, juggling my appointment schedule, putting up with my chemo brain, my attitude when beat down, and a three year old boy, all the while working to process through her own feelings during this time.
  
• To God, the Creator, the Energy of the universe, the greater human consciousness.

Chemo round 3 begins Monday (June 16) and I’ve done no updating in a while (See Blog Bonk). Jessica filled in the gap with our family blog, and I’ll review the last round in my own words…hopefully quickly.

Round 2 was in some ways easier than round 1, and in other ways it was harder. Round 2 seemed to begin a little easier. Maybe that ease was because I knew what to expect, maybe it was because the drop in energy/stamina from before round 2 began and during round 2 was less significant than it was before and during round 1. Round 2 was more difficult than round 1 because the time to begin recovering (feeling slightly better) from the chemo after round 1 was between the 72 and 96 hour window, and after round 2 the time to begin recovering was around the 5th day. However, after round 2 the constipation stuck around through the 8th day. Yes, constipation is, in my case, among the many ills of the gut that I have experienced during and after treatment. Besides the nausea, which is mostly controlled through medication, my gut always feels full…this is why I believe a lot of cancer patients lose weight during treatment – they have no appetite. I feel full too, but I know it’s important to keep my calorie intake up…I actually eat more than I should…eating seems to settle the nausea I do have, I eat because I’m bored sometimes, and because I am much less active than I was previously I should be taking in a little less than I was...as a result I’ve gained 15 to 20 pounds in about a month and a half.

Round 2 was marked by the unexpected too…I didn’t end up having to take the Neupogen shots that I had to take between rounds 1 and 2…this was a blessing. Adding to the blessing (sarcastically) was that instead of having excruciating back pain due to the shots was that I threw out my back…seriously hammered…so, I got the pain without the shots! After 3 chiropractic adjustments and 3 massages I’ve begun feeling mildly better today, though it’s still killing me. I think I’m being encouraged to slow down and rest…and write (again…see Blog Bonk)!!

Round 3 will be yet another ‘new’ experience. My goal is to tackle this round in a much more healthy and aware way. I want to exercise more during and after treatment (even if it’s just walks), journal more, find the stillness within and find my souls path – so I can follow my life’s true path, be more loving and lovable, and find the joy in the moment. Challenging goals considering how selfish and un-enlightened I’ve handled my first two rounds of chemo. This is an invitation for those of you who read this, have time, and desire to hold me accountable.

Lessons: Thought One –

Through the whole cancer/chemo process I knew there must be a lesson in getting cancer; I believe in this and have felt I’m open to the lesson. My life is not defined by cancer however; it’s just the present episode. The weakness of my character/spirit/human condition, the fear/pain/uncertainty/stress of my current condition, brought out in me a desire to ‘fast-forward’ through my days of treatment and subsequent days of feeling like crap. This idea of ‘skipping’ the worst parts of my treatment seemed reasonable until a week ago (6/5/09) when in a couples counseling session, one of the counselors tossed out the idea that my ‘lesson’ through all of this might well be in those times I’m desiring to ‘fast-forward’ through. Wow…that brought out a lot of emotion…I believe because that idea really hit home because it’s the truth. Even if the ‘lesson’ is not in those times which I have been choosing to ignore, it’s a time I’m failing to explore who I am and what I’m going through. It is in the tough times we learn the most about ourselves…that is if we are willing to identify our feelings and process those feelings, otherwise we are destined to repeat that ‘lesson’ in some way or another. I have been taking the easy path…the less challenging path. This is not the first time I’ve done this, but it’s the first time, in recent memory, that it’s been so hard for me to see that I was taking the easy path.

One thing I consciously tend to do is suppresses my spirit by filling up my time and my life with many activities and time wasters that don’t matter in the larger picture of life. Chores have to be done…lawns have to get mowed, clothes need washing, floors need vacuuming, weeds need pulling, bills need to be paid, we have to work…but a spirit needs to be filled. Relationships need to be cultivated, creativity needs expression, nature needs to be experienced, and joy needs to be breathed in constantly. I need constant reminding in a few simple ways: 1) If tomorrow were my last day, what would I want to do today, 2) In the last days of my life I hope that I feel I’ve taken advantage of my moments to feed my spirit by enjoying life…not having distracted myself constantly by doing stuff (chores, etc.), 3) What’s important in life?...Relationships (people), seeking the most out of life, being grateful, learning, being open-minded, loving unconditionally, and experiencing joy as regularly as possible.

Blog Bonk

Writing, Journaling, spilling out words, expressing myself…whatever it is, it’s something that I do a good job of avoiding. The most evident, conscious way I avoid it is through chemo and several subsequent days thereafter due to the agreement I made long ago that I be as close to perfect as I can be. Perfectionism seems to be the antithesis of creativity, especially when I’m new at placing my thoughts on paper, and trying to have them make any sense. In this regard, the lesson to be learned is that of opening the creative pathways in my brain (and spirit) and let the feelings, thoughts, etc. just spill out in whichever way they happen. This is quite the challenge to a meticulously minded perfectionist who’s ego battles to maintain an image that doesn’t exist…it’s imagined…I’ve never thought about the similarity in those word and the irony that exists between them until just now…oh well.